Friday, February 12, 2010

Rules of Rock

Rules of Rock

Cleaning out my crap at work, ran across this running list. Thought I would share. Feel free to add your own.

No particular order, all subject to change with no prior notice, and I'm sure ben will claim credit for these.

No song should ever be over 3 minutes, if it is under two minutes, even better

Give me your ten best songs. Save the next ten for another album or give me some killer b-sides.

Just because a cd goes to 80 minutes, doesn't mean you have to fill it up.

If you can actually play an instrument, you shouldn't be in a band

If you are/were an english major, you shouldn't be in a band

No drum solos

Guitar solos must be under 20 seconds and note economy is appreciated (hey, we're in a recession)

Verse chorus verse. Sometimes bridge.

No roger dean album covers (no more coat hangers)

Lyrics should mostly be about cars, getting loaded and getting it on.

Politics can be discussed on the third, problematic album that nobody listens to anyway. (comeback albums are a different beast because diane warren is writing most of the songs and you can't expect anything from that)

References to hobbits, warriors and fabled lands are never acceptable, pretty much anything that could be labeled progressive rock should be avoided at all costs (this means you colin meloy)

Concept albums? Here's a concept: No

Being on pitch with the vocals isn't necessarily a good thing

I wish I could do an auto tune voice on my phone, but outside of daft punk (and maybe not even there anymore) I don't want to hear it. We are mocking your vocals anyway. Be a straight up dog about it, how about.

Big dumb chords rock (love live quiet riot!)

Unless you are affectionately mocking 80's music, avoid synths and computers (nothing good ever came of technology...reference weird science)

The best songs should always be first on an album, pace all you want, but don't bury the lead at wounded knee.

If I can sleep to it, something is wrong.

Never put "The" in an album title. "The" in a band name is perfectly acceptable (and if you are into power pop, it's a requirement)

No descending minor fifths. I know you got an "A" in music 1001, but everybody did.

4/4 time is best, but you can mix it up with a little 3/4. if you get anymore complicated than that, it ain't rock.

When writing songs, ask yourself, would dick clark play this on american bandstand (bandstand)? If the answer is no, give it to nickelback.

World music and rock music do not mix. Corollary: world music and alternative music only sorta mix, but not as much as VW would like us to think.

If somebody thinks you are using interesting chord progressions, you may as well call yourself jazz and get out of my house.


  1. Hilarious! May I add:

    Concept albums? Here's a concept: No.